Saturday, March 12, 2016

When you try and try and try.. and don't succeed

Going through a very alarming phase in my life. Something that perhaps hasn't happened to me since 2004. That was the year where I learnt what resilience meant. What having a strong belief in myself meant. What fighting tough circumstances meant. And I haven't looked back ever since.

But today, since almost a year, it seems to me that I am grappling with some very weird circumstances. There are two parts to my life. Literally.

One part- where I seem to be doing well, seem to be having the heart, the brains and the bravery to fight circumstances, where people are extremely considerate towards me and I can't stop appreciating how this part keeps me alive.

And the second part - where I dream. I have some ambitions. Some visions and I strive to achieve them and I seem to be slipping deeper into the quicksand, every time I try harder. Well, in my statement somewhere, seems to lie the answer isn't it? Stop trying harder!! But guess what, I've even done that. Changed my focus, and put it instead on things under my control. But somehow, it doesn't seem to help.

It's almost like chasing a dream, thinking about it, working towards it - is causing the exact negative effects. And this is not now. It's been happening for a while. Rejections, things not working out, just when the dream is in the hands, it slips away - And while my self belief continues to keep me alive, and my non fear of faliure keeps me up and smiling, I cringe to think of how long will it last.

There was a time I even accepted that okay, everything is going to go wrong now, or at least I'll expect so. Let's see for how long. You wanna test me, then please go ahead and test me. I surrendered to this concept of destiny. And somewhere I felt, I shouldn't give up. That goes against the concept of surrender though. I picked myself up from the muck and started all over again.

Sometimes god's plans can't be deciphered. This is one of those times. What baffles me is not as much the faliure, as it is the lack of clarity to see what destiny has planned. After a point, going with the flow, not trying harder, all become signs of weakness. And THAT I certainly can't afford.

Somewhere so many times silver linings have appeared and I've lived days on end with that faint hope of sunshine. Please god, let the sunshine come. I've been in gloom for too long. I know my problems don't count in front of several ones you'd encounter. But I've waited my turn god. This once, look at me. Help me. Tell me what it is.

Yours Truly

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