Monday, April 27, 2009

when joy scares

So often it happens to me.. there's too much joy around. Everything goes perfect. All wishes seem to be coming true.. and the very next sane moment, everything vanishes.. just vanishes... its like the entire process is put into a reverse gear. And at that time it hurts so much, that it takes time to come out of the sudden contrast of moments.

The result is that I've stopped enjoying happy moments. In fact, I am actually scared of them. It's not that I am not prepared to face what comes next. But I just lose value of the happiness that surrounds me in the present. It is like this glass that is sure to break. It is like this dream which once you see, will make sure it will never become a reality. I tried discarding this feeling as a mental block. But you see, experience makes my case stronger. Ofcourse it also reinforces the old adage that 'After every bad, there is good' and vice versa. Hence I am really confused what to do.. I try to enjoy my happiness, but most often end up not taking it seriously. It's like 'What's in it to be so happy about? It's going to turn into something bad anyways'.

I know its a negative and a really bad cycle of thought.. I sometimes curse myself for it.. But I just dont know what to do.. Enjoy the moment and perhaps take strength from it to face the hurt? Too idealistic. Any suggestions?