Reborn.

I started my MSN blog, nearly 5 years ago. And somehow, at a very volatile stage of my mind. Hence, my posts there started reflecting me. Whatever I wrote there often ended up as the truest bit of my memory, the truest feel of my heart. Since the blog was about me, and since I at that time was an introvert, I never ever publicised it. It was this secret to be discovered, for perhaps people who really did want to know me. Too much of an expectation eh? :) 

Fortunately at that time, a few people accidentally stumbled across my blog. Some of my classmates actually. I started getting a few comments. And not only from them but also from strangers. 'Frankly you deserve a better space to write your stuff' one of them commented. 'Try blogger where people don't necessarily have to register for an account to comment upon.' I ignored that comment at that time. Later, came the revolutionary blogger. Everyone was on it. Putting up their links on messengers, gtalk etc. So much was going on.. around me. In my enthusiam, I too created a blogger account and started writing. But somehow I found whatever I wrote, was forced. Was 'for the sake of writing' wala blog. I dint like that. There can't be two mes. I was just one and I had to believe in what I write. Eventually I let go of blogger and returned to MSN to write my best. And yes, even then I dint dare publish its link anywhere. A relative who accidentaly saw the link in one of my emails read the blog and was shocked at what I was here, and there :). 'Profound' exclaimed one of my friends. 'The PJ queen is profound!' yeah, well. 

Anyway, recently I had been reading through the blogs of a lot many friends. And I realized truly there was a lot to innovate and share with people. A lot of people connected instantly to the status mesgs I wrote on Gtalk. I realized, that was because I wrote my experience and observations which were most often, similar to the ones they had. I thought may be I should be more accessible and share my thoughts with too. That's when I decided to embrace blogger for good. I still dont know if my connect with MSN will ever go. It's a psychological thing ofcourse. But anyways, I've worked hard to resurrect this blog. It's like being reborn. I hope you enjoy reading the posts henceforth. The posts below this one are some of the select old articles from my MSN blog :) while the rest will be what I write afresh. Enjoy, with a twinkle :) 

Swept away by silence

i have always been fascinated by silence. true. it says a lot. but more than that.. it holds a lot too! :) silence stimulates observation. in order to see, one has to learn to listen. and in order to listen, one has to be quiet himself. it is this most interesting and fascinating thing to me. to interpret silence! though i've never been able to do it accurately. and at times it happens, i know some1 else's silence is communicating so much to me. yet what exactly is that communication, is at times very unclear to me. hence i prefer things told! lol!

 

the most important thing we need today is mental silence. peace of mind. which is so difficult to get. one may be silent by nature. but their minds experience tremendous turbulence due to the things he/she holds on to due to urge to not tell. it is very essential that first we let peace reside in our minds. that silence will help. well.. even otherwise, i feel silence always helps. or wait.. no. there are times when u HAVE to talk things out. then silence is ur enemy. well.. i can go on and on about silence. but for now. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. lol 

Where I turned into you

Where I turn into You…

 

I know I am not alone.

And yet I feel away..

Placed where the rays of the sun turn into a speckle,

Placed where the strong winds sway..

 

And as I walk a mile,

My face breaks into a watery smile..

As I look back to the horizon, and bade good bye,

As I look ahead up the hill, and walk, teary-eyed.

 

I am walking, but not moving ahead..

I am missing. But not being searched for yet.

When time plays a game, all is lost.

It hides into the depth of circumstances,

When u need it the most.

 

Blink of an eye, and the familiar is gone,

What you once wished, turns into a regret soon..

In a crowd, you go to seek some peace,

When alone, you simply pay the price.

There’s never enough for anyone out there,

Just one familiar word is a surprise.

 

But as you go along, the path full of rubble,

You realize you get strong, the more you face the trouble…

Unfortunate are those, who’ve never failed in life,

Who think succeeding is cool, cool enough to boast in pride.

 

Toughest steel comes out of sweltering fire,

Calmest are those, whose minds burn with desire.

Coolest are those, who pass the test of the pyre..

And Humble are those, who never see themselves any higher.. 

Knowing

There are some people, that i have met during my journey in life, whom I felt I wanted to know them better. Probably wanted to spend a precious hour with them, just knowing them! just talking to them.. about anything and everything, sense and nonsense, and hearing them out on the same :D

 

Many a times, there is someone who comes into your life, and leaves a lasting impression there! the person might be your friend, relative, stranger, boss, or just about anyone!! Today dearth of time has made knowing each other almost impossible. We're always running. Always cribbing. We miss out on knowing people. We miss out on so many precious moments! half of it is because we dont have time, other half is because our perceptions are blurred by gossips, rumours and prejudices. Believe me, when i say you know a person, it need not be for the purpose of a lasting relationship.. it may be just for a day.. a moment.. but what you get to know brings a smile on your face whenever you next meet that person :) They say, too much intimacy, invasion in the private chambers of other person's mind is also not too good. very true. As i always believe( or have started believing recently), at a certain point one has to stop the quest of knowing more about another person. One has to keep a certain distance. mental distance doesnt lead to a distance from hearts :). its just needed at times. Close enough to know. Far enough to let go.

 

sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet those people again! There are so many questions i'd like to ask! without any restrains, fears!! I think we all should be given a special day in our lives when we get to meet the people we missed knowing :) just a day! when the wind of change stops for a while. and a gale of memories rushes thru the lanes of our minds.. just a day!!! 

Backstage

How often have we admired a Shahrukh Khan on big screen or a Tulsi, Parvati, Jassi (well dont kill me for those bad examples :P) on small screen! Wow! I mean for those who watch television, these guys are their daughters, daughter-in-laws, sasus and god knows what more! they are everything. They get the fame, the respect, the money.. they get written about in every single Page 3 or at times even page 1 of the newspapers! Every movement of theirs, whether it is about drinking coffee with Karan or Singing with Hariharan (sorry for the PJ but im bored) is glorified by the media. Credits at the start of every programme flashes their names as if they're martrys for the nation. But wait.. Are they?

 

If you think i was gonna talk the same shit about Kekta Kapoor and her Kerials, then no. I guess you know enough already. I am here to talk about those behind the camera. those behind the scenes! The dadas of the sets, the Cameramen, the technicians, gaffers, grips..  Being in Star, I had an amazing opportunity to be a part of production team during shoots. And let me tell you, its hell out there. Every time a damn scene is shot, heavy lights and wiring has to be shifted, Sets have to be rearranged, stuff has to be bought, make-up has to be done, tapes have to be in place.. and its not easy! coz many a time the scenes which are of only 1 minute in duration require more than 2 hrs worth of set-up. And those two hours your favourite stars spend napping in  their make up vans or eating food or at the most rehearsing. while these dadas go running about every single moment, bfore the shot and even during and after! They are literally on their toes for more than 12 hrs at a stretch! unimaginable isnt it? and yet the best part is that they keep smiling! they dont mind serving you with cold drinks or snacks whenever you feel hungry! its embarrasing! especially for me as an intern, I would get a bit nervous seeing the amnt of respect! ofcourse they do expect respect in return too. you cant call them by names or 'aye', you have to call them dada. which is something i really like. No one here looks down upon the other. Except for ofcourse actors.. they think they are the soul of the movie! I am not saying they are wrong or whatever given to them is wrong. I am just trying to highlight the contribution of these unseen, unheard of people in the maknig of phenomenal movies!

And yet they hardly get noticed in the credits.. they are hardly written about! i feel someone should take up this aspect of entertainment and highlight such achievements that go beyond those fast forward technical awards held by filmfare! In that sense i think in Main hoon na, farah khan has done an amazing thing by literally showing teh these backstage faces on screen! bingo! i hope the rest follow the suit soon!

The last ray

Why isnt 'giving up' so easy? oh.. you might think ive made a typo error. infact its the easiest thing on this planet. giving up jobs for comfort, giving up family for friends, giving up studies for a cool life, giving up values for fashion, and yeah, the ultimate acme, giving up your life to ensure another 100 die with u (suicide bombers). And yet there might be times when giving up will not seem so casual and heartless. this happens when time comes to give up the only thing for which you've given up your world. this happens when your're asked to give up, the thing you have lived for, want to live with, for all your life.  the thing may be anything. love, hate, forgiveness, anger, goals, achievements, dreams.. 

 

i believe each one of us in this world has a dream. A dream world, a dream goal. Dreams are mostly made up of impossibles. but then wat is impossible today is sure to be possible tomorrow. the point is, will you be the one who will make it possible? or will you give up, move aside, and make way for others and then brood over your luck? look at nothing as impossible, and time will seem infinite for you. i am not saying you will overpower time. TIME will become numb, the same way your body becomes numb after being injected with anesthesia. you will live, and move with time. but not let time bother you about it running faster. you can just see your goal and nothing else will matter now. you are just reaching there, happy and content, but ofcourse, no journey is complete without obstacles just as no movie is complete wihtout a villian. and here lies your ability to stay calm, fight time with patience. it may take a month, two months, two years for this fight to abate.. for time to realize that your willpower is far more than its clock ticking.. your heartbeats are faster than the seconds. you will have to fight with patience. it is a tough fight. coz patience often comes across externally as cowardlyness, laziness, indifference. but you alone know your mind is fighting, its restless and given  a chance, it can scream thru the thin air, wither in pain and cry for pity just like everyone else around you does. but it chooses not to create a scene. it wants to test the brutality of god. how much worse can it get from here? you ask yourself. you brace yourself for rejection, taunts, this world full of nosy people who have no better work than comment on your life. you are ready for it. let it get as bad as it can. someday god will release the ropes of frustration and let me move ahead in peace. and that day i will be a far better person, well equipped mentally, to move ahead this path full of uncertainities that ppl fear, but i will cherish them. coz every trouble gives me hope.. every sign of pain gives me the sweet smell of arrival of relief. i can live thru it.. 

blessings

'What will you do when I wont be there around?', he used to ask me, his wrinkled face enlightened with everlasting smile and his eyes overflowing with fondness. I just smiled at him, and ignored the comment all the time. I still remember those days when i used to get horrible mirgrane attacks, and he would quitely come into my room, shut the curtains, shut the door and leave a glass of fresh juice on the table for me to drink. Those days when our bai wouldnt turn up, in the afternoons i would find him washing vessles as quietly as he could, so that in the evening when mom returns from office tired and weary, she doesnt have to burden herself with all the work. And yes, how can i forget all those times when he went to buy vegetables, went to bank to do dad's work, gave him a glass of water whenever he felt tired.

 

Well, anyone who'd read this would think something else.. i dread what. but the person i am talking about, was my 89 year old grandfather..  a few days back he passed away. He has four sons. yet he stayed with us for around 25 years post dad's marriage. At times i used to think, why only us! i missed private space at home. And that apart, he was the oldest in the family and that invited hoardes of guests at home every single day. At times i used to envy the 'family of 4' life. today, i think that's one thing i regret and feel most ashamed thinking of. Today his loss hurts me like hot iron. Every corner of this house reminds me of him every single moment. And more importantly the fact that ive lost the shelter of an elderly hand above my head. it's scary. He was the most independent senior citizen at the age of 90. WE never gave him a glass of water. but ample of times, he served us food. We never listened to him, but he always heard us without us telling him a word. We ignored him at our convinience, but he remembered us even in all his inconvinient times (including his last 2 days at the hospital)...  it's paining to relive memories of that selfless face, that existed in our home for last 25 years, that face that lived for us, with us, thru us... that face we realized, was god-sent. was god.

 

grandpa never wanted to go in for a minor operation he was advised for. 'at the age of 90? what operation?' he chipped in as his sons debated where to admit him. he was hale n hearty. just a pacemaker in his heart was a bit disfunctioning. baki no diabetes, no bp, no walking stick, infact, dont be shocked if i tell u he climbed 5 floors of our house just recently when the elevator wasnt working. reluctantly he agreed to go in for the operation. we assured him its just a 5 min thing. what did we know he'd never come back. i think he knew it tho. before leaving the house he specifically asked me not to yell at my lil sis and ask dad also to not yell at her.. i laughed it off that time. me and dad said we'd restrain till dada gets back. but dada's so partial to my sis. he never came back. i remember going to meet him at the hospital, his sunken face beneath the oxygen mask scared me to bits. shit! he was at home just a day back laughing and walking!  SHIT! i couldnt look into those loving eyes anymore.. he kept telling me 'thank you for coming here. i am fine. dont worry.' shit! i managed a smile and left immediately. i was shaken. he kept asking for me, but i never went thereafter. the next day he passed away.. so sudden.. i still cant believe he's no more.. any moment he'll come into my room and give me eclairs.. any moment he'll come from outside holding bag full of sabzis.. any moment now..

and we thought we were doing a great thing by letting him live with us.. now we realize, it wasnt us, it was HE, who took care of all of us.. miss you a lot granpa.. you are my god.