I radiate

I strive to radiate warmth around me, but somehow my experiences turn me into a cold person. That cold, which freezes my flow of emotions, hardens the blood in my heart, numbs the senses and feelings that stimulated my smile. Its not as if I enjoy the coldness. Its not as if I enjoy the silence. Its not as if I enjoy the chill you experience when you talk to me, when you stand next to me. Its not as if hurting you gives me sarcastic pleasure.

 

I still strive to radiate the warmth around me. I try harder to break thru the thick sheet of ice with the help of the candle of hope that keeps me alive from within. It will take time, but the hate on ice will surely melt.. one day.. the candle of hope will fight with the biting cold experiences of life. The cold winds, hardened feelings, numb brains and frosty voices will all give way to the warm, green, colourful happy autumn of life. Blood will pump energy and love into my heart, emotions will flow once again, unpolluted, uninterrupted, the next time you shiver, you will hold my hands for warmth.. my smile will be your bonfire...  one day.. I will make it happen.

 

Guilt pangs

Probably one of the worst guilt pangs that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A promise I made, and broke it on account of laziness and numerous other excuses. I still remember that day, I had accompanied mom to a lonely old age home in Panvel. Reason? My photography project. Somehow, I always felt strongly for the elderly and I wanted to capture their pain on my camera. And so we went. We were greeted humbly with a smile by the inmates and the head. Everywhere we went, the camera, a digital one got the most attention, and posing for pics wasnt a problem at all. The old age home meant for the elderly supportd orphans too. The youngest and the eldest gelled together and seamelessly shared their joys and sorrows.. I wondered where does immaturity go at such times? I was taken along with mom in every room, to meet the inmates. IN each room about 5-6 inmates.. and the pain I experienced when i saw them.. it was the vibe, the pain that was reflected from them. Their faces dint leave a trace of the pain.. but their eyes said it all.. Their eyes wer for us.. and only us .Come talk to us.. their eyes pleaded. While my mom did the courtesy of conversatiosn, I took my photographs.. 'I'll send them across to you all' i promised resolving to do it as soon as i get done with my project. Their faces lightened up when they heard I'd  be sending them the pics.. i was glad momentararily they were smiling. Each had a story of their own to tell, as to why they were in the old age home. but they chose to gulp it down in silence, the same way they chose to gulp down all the pain that was inflicted upon them by their own family members..

 

The project went well, and the pictures are close to my heart.. but I forgot to send them the prints.. I realized it after a long long time.. and since then the guilt has been unbeatable. Everytime it flashes on to my mind, I shiver. NOw i dont even know how many of them will be alive to see these pics.. How many will be pained? relieved? What? it was utterly shameful on my part to be so careless.. it's one thing i cldve done for them.. sheesh.. sheesh..

 

I got back home that day after the project (rewind)... I saw my granpa and dad fighting.. and i smiled to myself..they're bickering all the time, they cant do without a fight.. and luckily.. they cant do without each other.. those of us who have joint families are lucky. Its a disturbing reality out there. Really disturbing. 

At the back of the crowd

So back to observations. Have you ever felt at times, that your genuine attempts for some things go completely unnoticed? At first you are at the centre stage of things. Your performance gets applauded, you are the one everyone wants, untill your competitor arrives. The focus shifts. you're pushed aside, brushed aside and the crowd rushes to cheer for the new arrival. you're biwildered. What to do? What went wrong? Am I not respected anymore? Who the hell is this new entrant? How can ppl shift loyalties with me? Why am I being ignored? How can this happen to me? Wasnt i popular?

 

And suddenly, as you look ahead, you find you're standing right at the back of a cheering crowd, facing the new performer. You give your jealous mind some rest and decide to see this performance objectively. YOu realize, there's some magic. Some magic that you've never had. You begin to see why the crowd changed loyalties, you begin to see why the new talent is so popular. You begin to appreciate leaving aside  your insecurities and threats. And that's when you smile, and realize, its time to do some rethinking, some revamping. You're not supposed to be a coward, a spoilt sport and turn your back towards the reality. At times it so happens that you have to stand at the back of the crowd and applaud.. as long as you appreciate, as long as you learn, nothing can stop you from getting back there again. :) cheers! 

All's left. What's right?

Tea tastes bitter after eating a sweet biscuit. Night seems darker after a bright sunny day.. the pain seems doubled when you have just experienced happiness.. I believe in god but feel like renouncing the faith in fairy godmothers or guides or best friends and so on.. Precisely for the reasons above. They're just there for you for that crucial part of your life, they then become a crucial part of your life and  then they throw a stone at the mirror in front of you. It cracks and breaks up. You realize, it was just your imagination. They have favoured you and moved on. YOu are supposed to take the favour and move on too! WHAT THE HELL!

 

I dont think ever in my life have i got a fair chance of doing something for the people who have meant the most to me. They have always been my support, my iron pillars, my reason to smile, and then, all of them literally have moved away to greater avenues, forgetting that they have an indebt soul struggling with the burden of their support.

 

Now you'd argue, cmon! they're your friends, and anyone wouldve done that. Then I say, hell, if they were really my friends, why do they do good to my life and go away??? I've misunderstood the concept of friendship so far and therefore my faith in it is a bit false.. i feel. I thought friendship is one permanant bond that has survived the test of change. Solid friendship has been as much about longer time and tide than just mere strength of understanding each other. I thought friendship is where people are missed in good times and remembered in bad times.. but SHIT! i was wrong o wat!

 

My belief in friendships has shaken from its roots. And every passing day it keeps getting worse. People around me are finding time to attend parties, go on picnics, catch up with buddies.. everything but just somehow dont find time to remember a few other insignificant insects. Even today whenever someone tells me 'Drashti, kya tu busy ho gayi hai, you've forgotten me.. blah blah'' i take it as a sign of respect from that person to me and make it a point to revert in the most appropriate manner possible. But i dont think that works with everyone.. many of them still think them being busy with work, home, blah blah is the most valid excuse on earth. And some, better still, let go of the freakin friendship to relieve themselves of the responsibility.

 

'It's reality! Accept it' many tell me. I feel hurt.. if this is reality, go to hell! Being laughed at for trying to keep in touch, being laughed at for meeting up someone whoze been your classmate for 3 yrs (but HE/SHE was never a close friend of yours na? so y are you meeting up?).. yeahhhh!! go on.. laugh.. And then do i have a choice.. i let go. I will be indebt for life. 

The grim day

Today was a grim day. In addition to the recent tragedy faced by Mumbai, today was the first death anniversary of granpa. Well, really, not BBC news material, but on a personal front, it meant quite a lot. Till date we always gathered at Grandma's death anniversary to sing some prayers and bhajans in her rememberance and also so that grandpa would feel good that we havent forgotten her as he thought we would have. Every time during these sessions, granpa would make 'farmayish' of his favourite bhajans and songs and we would oblidge. He felt thrilled and had created a special set of xeroxed songs to be distributed amongst all of us. It was so ironical and sad that it was from those very sets that today we were singing those bhajans for the death anniversary of my granpa himself. He was terribly missed. Missed like hell.

 

I thought may be, no amount of words would do justice to a noble soul like his. And so i decided to make a small 2 minute movie for his dedication. the background score was as cheesy as it could get. It was the song 'yaadein' from the movie 'yaadien'. I quickly selected a few snaps and a couple of video clips of granpa for the 2 minute essemble. In a giffy, at night 2 i created this small and simple video. Little did i know so big would be its impact. In the evening, once all the bhajans and songs were over, I gathered all the family members in one side of the room and played the video on my television. The reaction. The entire lot of 20 people were in tears. Some of them, uncontrollable, the rest, mildly crying. I was aghast. They're voices choked as they congratulated me for this extraordinary piece of work (or so they say). They wanted to see it once more. I played it once more. And the tears flowed once more. I was really surprised to see this kind of reaction, but well, it was my aim, and hence i was happy. I was happy that they all cried in the memory of granpa. Nothing can be fitting than this, although im sure if he'd be watching from the heavens he'd say 'arreey! shit! they're actually crying for me! oh no! drashti! what did you do? why are they crying for me? im with them, always.' and then perhaps i felt him smile and whisper' thanks drashtiben'. 

Under the blanket.

January 25 under the blanket The father handed out a torn blanket to the old man and said, 'Sleep outside in the balcony, there's no place at home.' He said this and turned around. His 10 year old son was standing holding another torn blanket in his hands. 'Why this blanket?' the father fumed. 'It's for you' replied the son. 'Me?' 'yes, because when you will grow as old as grandpa, I will give you this blanket when I also throw you out of this house.' he concluded innocently. The father was aghast. The grandpa dint know whether to be shocked or relieved. And tears swarmed my eyes. Within a few seconds, it turned into a stream flowing out of my reddened eyes. My parents, grandparents, all turned to look at me. They stared at me and got confused. What had happened? Just a few seconds ago all of us are watching this serial on television and now this girl is howling! 'Did she hit you beta?' asked mom pointing a finger at my innocent looking little sister who was barely 3-4 yrs old then. My sister saw all the fingers being pointed at her and turned her innocently surprised gaze towards me, questioningly. I was in a half a mind to attribute my crying to a non-existent 'hit' by my sister. But instead I chose to keep quiet and continued crying. My eyes repeatedly darted to the television. My granma noticed this and added up the situation. 'She's realized what that story we just saw, meant. She's crying for that old man' she said and smiled. My mom looked at me and smiled. But they dint pester me much about it and I stopped crying. But that was my first encounter with old age abuse. And it was so freaking touching that it reduced me to tears at that tender age of 7. I found this story as an answer to why does this topic pester my mind all the time.     I was just reading a few writeups on the mental state of the people in old-age homes. Parents living in bunglows, parents living for their children entire lives, been thrown out of their homes.. Parents been thrown out just coz they cant cope up with their old age? an elderly was thrown out just because she asked for a box of sweets!!! And Imagine their trauma.. of not having met their children for years together.. left alone to deal with their withering body, and barren funds! When I see all of this around me, I feel I am so blessed to have such great values instilled into me.. for us our elderly are the ultimate authority. We seek their blessings before every work we do and we seek their advice for every move we make.. I just wish people start realizing the value of parents, of the elderly. They are like this huge baniyan tree that gives shade, that roots us firmly to the ground.. the moment it witheres, the moment it dies, the heat, the harsh winds and rains are bound to erode your lives

a story of silence

A story of silence

I sat there, alone in the crowded classroom. There was so much noise around, but it all seemed like a distant buzz to my ears. There was so much movement around me, so many people preparing for presentations. Some rehearsing their speeches, others setting up the projector, the rest chattering amongst themselves. But they all appeared like blurred dots to me. I had taken off my specks and laid my head down on the bench. No one bothered me. ‘The presentation is about to begin.’ A clear voice rang through my ears. I upped my head by barely an inch above the desk to look who spoke. It was the teacher announcing the commencement of the next presentation. I stared at the blurred outline of an old cupboard lying in our classroom. There was movement around. But it dint bother me. I kept staring like an idiot. It took me a while before I could register some vivid movement out there. Near the cupboard I mean. Someone was franctically waving out to me. My pupils contracted as I carefully looked in that direction. It was this classmate of mine whom I must’ve not even exchanged 10 words ever since I stepped into college. I looked up a bit and unsurely pointed out a finger to myself to indicate ‘who me?’. He nodded with a charming smile on his face. He continued to wave until I waved back with a faint trace of smile on my face. Why he did that, I had no clue. But I could guess he spotted silence in the commotion. A while later he came to me and said, ‘hey, will you be there to see my play tomorrow?’ ‘Me?’ I asked again, stupidly. ‘Yes, you.’ He replied calmly. ‘Umm.. ok. Sure.’ I replied, still, stupidly. ‘Tomorrow. Be there to see it. Ok?’ he said and left me aghast. I went back home, admittedly, smiling. Even though I dint know what had happened, I surely recognized the effort to make me feel wanted and to make me feel good. To my pleasant surprise, it wasn’t the end of it all..  

 

I went home and as a habit and a ritual, I signed into MSN messenger. All the nocturnal creatures like me were online. Yes, he was online too. He never spoke to me online either. Never ever since my last two years in college. I just looked at his name out there and smiled. ‘Hi, how are you?’ came a pop-up of a chat window.. And to my pleasant surprise, it was him! ‘Hi! I’m good.’ I replied. ‘But you don’t look so good in college. I have been observing you. You have been very quiet and down lately. What has happened?’ he asked, much to my surprise.. ‘Uhh.. well, a lot is down lately.’ I admitted. ‘If you want, you can tell me. I promise you I wont tell this to anyone. I can be an outlet to your problems. Talk it out.’ He offered instantly. Ok, here was this guy who dint even speak a few sentences with me ever, and yet, and simply yet he had sensed so much that was going around. There are times when you let your heart take over the rationale. By logic I shouldn’t have given a damn to his offer and should have politely refused. But my heart told me he was god sent. He was the outlet I was looking for. An unknown person who’d listen to me, understand me and yet, stay away from me. Without a second of hesitation, I poured out my heart to him. He heard me out patiently. And even gave me some great advice which I remember till date. That night I shed tremendous burden from my mind. It brought back a smile on my face. We never bothered to talk much after that incident.. occasionally when things went low, he did ask. But never much otherwise. But one glance at him and I knew there was someone who cared. Who wanted to be there when I was alone. You mustve come across such people.. They’re special. Extremely special..