Leave them alone!

Hmm.. ever since the T20WC, i've been following the Indian media daily on its sports analysis. And believe me, I have read every little blog, article or anything to do with Indian cricket team. The stance of the media has been pretty disgusting right from the start and has gotten desperate and ugly now that India has been washed out of the T20 world cup. I start by saying the word 'media' coz it is largely responsible for shaping up the opinions and shaking up the dressing rooms. We shall address the question 'how?' in a moment.

Firstly for starters I'd like to address those who'd say 'Arre, Dhoni ne toh paisa kama liya, usko kya farak padta hai.. ' Boss, everyone knows cricket in India is a passion, is a religion and is grossly commercialized even at the expense of other sports and sportspersons. But having said that, there is no way one can take away credit from those guys who are playing cricket in India. So, if you're jealous of the money they're getting, why don't you go play cricket? But saying that playing cricket is easy money is undermining the toil, effort and struggle gone into the making of each and every sportsperson that comes from the gullies of India. Hence, respect every sportsperson, be it a cricketer or someone else. I follow cricket, so here I'm writing about it.

Now, what the hell was everyone expecting from Team India? I mean for god's sake, these blokes have been proving themselves for a long time now.. All I remember from last few series is only wins and draws.. hardly any loses! And all of this within a period of months!! How the hell can you thrust matches after matches on them and keep expecting them to win everything under the sun? Many might say, they dint win when it mattered the most. I'm saying, it's alright.. Chill! They still remain one of the topmost teams to beat, a team that every other cricketing nation fears.. and till the time that hasn't changed, I don't see why the support given to MSD and the Team India should.

Talking about Dhoni, the poor guy has undergone a hell lot of a grind. Yes, so he had his differences with Sehwag, which the media, very kindly blew out of proportion. Believe it or not, this was a big distraction for team India fans, forget the Team India itself! I am not saying media shouldn't have reported this, but the way this analysis, of Dhoni's every statement went on was pretty much 'i-got-fodder-for-next-10-days' matter. Secondly, the only few mistakes he made were in the crucial game against England. Yes, those were bloody stupid and crappy mistakes.. and probably political too? Who knows? But the guy admitted having made those mistakes, took full responsibility of the same and pledged improvement. What more can he do? (even assuming 'usko promise karne mai kya jaata hai', still, what more can he do?). Suddenly media comes up with dubious headlines like 'Dhoni's dream run is over?' 'Captain cool is uncool?' I mean what bull shit! I believe Dhoni and his team's dream run is very much on! I tell you why? The guy is someone who's come up the hard way. He has taken up captancy under very tense circumstances and has built this younger team (and even lead it to win T20 worldcup) without any Tendulkar-like record breaking match winning players at disposal. In fact, he himself remains the No.1 batsman on ICC rankings due to his ability to finish matches. Dhoni is a kind of person who learns from mistakes and rectifies them. He is the kind of player who will experiment against majority. And when you take risks, it's either rewards or brickbats.

I think it's too early to write off this Indian Team. I have full faith in each and every player. In fact im appalled at the thought that they've got a series coming up in the next 10 days!!! I just hope the boys go out there and shut up these useless experts who (expectedly) crown you the moment you win and drown you the moment you lose! Go get em!

when joy scares

So often it happens to me.. there's too much joy around. Everything goes perfect. All wishes seem to be coming true.. and the very next sane moment, everything vanishes.. just vanishes... its like the entire process is put into a reverse gear. And at that time it hurts so much, that it takes time to come out of the sudden contrast of moments.

The result is that I've stopped enjoying happy moments. In fact, I am actually scared of them. It's not that I am not prepared to face what comes next. But I just lose value of the happiness that surrounds me in the present. It is like this glass that is sure to break. It is like this dream which once you see, will make sure it will never become a reality. I tried discarding this feeling as a mental block. But you see, experience makes my case stronger. Ofcourse it also reinforces the old adage that 'After every bad, there is good' and vice versa. Hence I am really confused what to do.. I try to enjoy my happiness, but most often end up not taking it seriously. It's like 'What's in it to be so happy about? It's going to turn into something bad anyways'.

I know its a negative and a really bad cycle of thought.. I sometimes curse myself for it.. But I just dont know what to do.. Enjoy the moment and perhaps take strength from it to face the hurt? Too idealistic. Any suggestions?

Hope and helplessness

On a light Gudi Padwa evening. I board a relatively empty train from Elphistone station. I sit at the window, letting my mind wander. In 15 mins, my mind jerks to the present as the train jerks towards the Bandra station. I see a very old lady, decently dressed in a saree, with whispy grey hair and immense dark circles, struggling to reach the second class ladies compartment, which is just behind mine (first class compartment). Will she reach? Oh no! I panic. She cant walk fast. And the second class compartment is 10 times more crowded than first class where there are hardly 4 of us. Oh no.. the train jerks and starts moving slowly. I see she has just made it. She gets in. I relax and turn back to the window ready to get lost in thoughts.

'Beta, breast cancer hai. Operation ke liye madad karo', I happen to hear and I turn back in a nanosecond, to find that same old lady clutching her bag with one hand, and begging with other hand to those train passengers. I get shaken out of my reverie. She isn't crying, she isn't a tattered beggar either, nor is she pleading.. she has the look of 'i will do what it takes.' in her eyes. No one responds. No one. I look back outside the window, completely shaken. My Ipod chooses to play the song 'sapno se bhare naina' exactly at the same time. It aggrevates the feeling. The train stops at Khar. I find this time, the lady slowly struggling to get into my compartment. 'Beta, breast cancer hai. Operation ke liye thodi madad karo'. I amnt thinking logical. I dont want to. Worst come worst she must be lying, duping, talking crap. I have no means to verify. All I know is that for a lady of her age, in that condition, where she can barely walk, barely stand straight, even lying is a burden. I give her 10 Rs. But the guilt within me instead of dying, doubles. What must've happened to her? Is she doing  this out of choice? Or is she doing it because she doesnt want to give up? Looks like the latter. The rest in my compartment refuse to even look at her. They are infact staring at me and giving me the 'you-ppl-encourage-them' looks. Next station, she alights and boards the adjacent first class compartment. Only one girl is sitting there. And she doesnt respond. The old lady sighs and sits down with her head resting on the metal bars. At Parla, she alights the train, and stands right in front of the second class ladies section. Perhaps, to board the next train, with as much hope, that someone might not think rationally, and she might finally earn a rupee. Hope and Helplessness.. 

bheed

Zara nazar uthake dekho,

Baithe hain hum yaheen..

Bekhabar mujhse kyun ho,

Itne bure bhi hum nahee..

Teri aankhon ka jaadu,

Saari duniya pe hai...

Duniya ki iss bheed main,

Sabse peeche hum khade...

It's a crowd full of lonely people out there. How ironical! Everyone feels like they are pushed behind as the crowd grows.. everyone feels angry. I call it the 'boiling water' phenomenon. As the water boils, the molecules closest to the source of heat (or gas) expand and move away and other lesser hot molecules take their place. The cycle continues.. after sometime, each molecule is pushed away and others take the hot centrestage.. and I reckon its the same thing with life and loneliness too. At any given time, there are people on the stage of 'attention'. At that time, they are given all the love, care, support.. everything goes like a fairy tale. And then it happens. They are asked to step aside as others take this stage. And evenutally they are pushed at the peripheri of the crowd.. until they get really frustrated, feel depressed, lonely and bingo! They're back on the attention centre-stage! 

I admit life is not as simple, and nor is loneliness so easily described as my 'boiling water' phenomenon. But what I conclude is, good always follows bad and similarly, attention always follows a dark phase of loneliness. We just need to be patient and alive with hope, looking forward to getting to the centre stage of attention. We need to look around and realize there are many like us, who've been pushed to the peripheri of the circle of attention.. If we identify them, and perhaps share our feelings with them, I am sure we might never find ourselves really lonely and might not even crave to get to the centre of the stage of attention! For all you know, the centre of attention will be the place where YOU are. So go on.. enjoy loneliness too! 

In a prayer

Hi God,

Perhaps, there is nothing such as fair and unfair for you in your court of justice. I feel you measure the time, the time of happiness that you allot to each one of us. And that time may be depends on the blessings we've earned in our lifetime? I dont know. And when our usage of happiness lapses, you swing into action to bring forth the dreaded dark. I am not afraid of the dark. I am too immuned, insensitive, or perhaps numb to feel it the way it has to be felt. And it's my favourite line, which I coined from my observations, 'Once you get used to the dark, you are able to actually see things around you.' May be. But I feel this time you've been cruel. Cruel in every way possible. And yet I know it's a part of life. It's a test of time that we have to pass through. It's a big confusion in my mind. Should I blame you for the mess I am in? Or should I thank you for the position I am in? Should I scream silently and act filmy and bajao the bell at the temple and say, 'aggarr bhagwaan, aapne aaisa vaisaa kuch kiaa, toh dekh lena'.. or should I instead, look at the world around me.. perhaps that little black kid that came asking for the cold drink in my hands at the traffic signal saying 'Didi, kuch peene ke liye dedo' and actually Thank You for the priviledges that you have given me in this life of mine? 

I have no answers to these. I dont even seek them. Seeking answers is not my purpose of life. But its necessary to ask the questions. I know you will answer me in your own way, at the right time. I just pray, you keep listening to me, and my questions as you always do. I just pray, you are with me, as you always are. 

Khamoshi- Jagjit Singh

Muh ki baat, sune har koi,

Dil ke dard ko jaane kaun?

Awaazon ke baazaron main,

Khaamoshi pehchane kaun?

Sadiyon sadiyon, wohi tamasha,

Rasta rasta, lambi khoj.

Lekin jab hum mil jaate hain,

Kho jaata hai, jaane kaun?

Awaazon ke baazaron main,

Khaamoshi pehchane kaun?

Woh mera, aainaa hai ya,

Main uski parchaaayi hu..

Mere hi ghar main rehta hai,

Mujhe jaisaa hi jaane kaun?

Awaazon ke baazaron main,

Khaamoshi pehechane kaun?

Kiran kiran, alsaata suraj,

Palak Palak, khulti neend,

Dheeme Dheeme bikhar raha hai,

Zarra zarra jaane kaun?

Muh ki baat sune hai koi,

Dil ke dard ko jaane kaun?

Awaazon ke baazaron main,

Khaamoshi pehechane kaun? 

Untouched priorities.

It happens. At times, when you manage to steal a glance within yourself, you feel disappointed. Disappointed that most often, things that mean the most to you, are left untouched and undone. There are no justifications for it. And sadly, not even the best excuse can make up for it. It means you've sidelined your priorities. 

It's not as if it's a concious effort to sideline priorities. It never has been for me atleast. But I am a person who goes with the flow of time. And perhaps, not ahead of it. Time defines priorities for me. Priorities don't define the time I give to things. If at a particular moment, I feel like doing something, I do it. If I am of help somewhere, I give it. Even if that means a bit of a compromise, I always believe it will strike a balance at a later stage. People often regret moving away from their priorities. It makes them feel uncomfortable and doesn't help others around them either. Priorities in life are important, but not absolute. If we give, for a moment, more importance to stuff we love to do, rather than to stuff we 'have to' do, I feel its an amazing decision one can take. If for a moment, we give more important to things that will make others happy, rather than things that make us happy, I feel its a blessing. 

Having said that, I dont undermine the importance of priorities. Like I said, when you manage to glance within, you are horrified that things that matter the most, remain untouched, uncared for. At what price? I ask myself. In exchange for doing things I loved to do? In exchange for someone's laughter? In exchange for a bit of fun? In exchange for madness? In exchange for giving joy? And then I smile and say, I don't regret doing all that I did. I just regret not taking along my priorities as I walked. But now I've come back to them. I will pick them up and take them along my journey of life. Where what I love to do, and what I have to do, will co-exist under the umbrella of time.  :) 

Reborn.

I started my MSN blog, nearly 5 years ago. And somehow, at a very volatile stage of my mind. Hence, my posts there started reflecting me. Whatever I wrote there often ended up as the truest bit of my memory, the truest feel of my heart. Since the blog was about me, and since I at that time was an introvert, I never ever publicised it. It was this secret to be discovered, for perhaps people who really did want to know me. Too much of an expectation eh? :) 

Fortunately at that time, a few people accidentally stumbled across my blog. Some of my classmates actually. I started getting a few comments. And not only from them but also from strangers. 'Frankly you deserve a better space to write your stuff' one of them commented. 'Try blogger where people don't necessarily have to register for an account to comment upon.' I ignored that comment at that time. Later, came the revolutionary blogger. Everyone was on it. Putting up their links on messengers, gtalk etc. So much was going on.. around me. In my enthusiam, I too created a blogger account and started writing. But somehow I found whatever I wrote, was forced. Was 'for the sake of writing' wala blog. I dint like that. There can't be two mes. I was just one and I had to believe in what I write. Eventually I let go of blogger and returned to MSN to write my best. And yes, even then I dint dare publish its link anywhere. A relative who accidentaly saw the link in one of my emails read the blog and was shocked at what I was here, and there :). 'Profound' exclaimed one of my friends. 'The PJ queen is profound!' yeah, well. 

Anyway, recently I had been reading through the blogs of a lot many friends. And I realized truly there was a lot to innovate and share with people. A lot of people connected instantly to the status mesgs I wrote on Gtalk. I realized, that was because I wrote my experience and observations which were most often, similar to the ones they had. I thought may be I should be more accessible and share my thoughts with too. That's when I decided to embrace blogger for good. I still dont know if my connect with MSN will ever go. It's a psychological thing ofcourse. But anyways, I've worked hard to resurrect this blog. It's like being reborn. I hope you enjoy reading the posts henceforth. The posts below this one are some of the select old articles from my MSN blog :) while the rest will be what I write afresh. Enjoy, with a twinkle :) 

Swept away by silence

i have always been fascinated by silence. true. it says a lot. but more than that.. it holds a lot too! :) silence stimulates observation. in order to see, one has to learn to listen. and in order to listen, one has to be quiet himself. it is this most interesting and fascinating thing to me. to interpret silence! though i've never been able to do it accurately. and at times it happens, i know some1 else's silence is communicating so much to me. yet what exactly is that communication, is at times very unclear to me. hence i prefer things told! lol!

 

the most important thing we need today is mental silence. peace of mind. which is so difficult to get. one may be silent by nature. but their minds experience tremendous turbulence due to the things he/she holds on to due to urge to not tell. it is very essential that first we let peace reside in our minds. that silence will help. well.. even otherwise, i feel silence always helps. or wait.. no. there are times when u HAVE to talk things out. then silence is ur enemy. well.. i can go on and on about silence. but for now. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. lol 

Where I turned into you

Where I turn into You…

 

I know I am not alone.

And yet I feel away..

Placed where the rays of the sun turn into a speckle,

Placed where the strong winds sway..

 

And as I walk a mile,

My face breaks into a watery smile..

As I look back to the horizon, and bade good bye,

As I look ahead up the hill, and walk, teary-eyed.

 

I am walking, but not moving ahead..

I am missing. But not being searched for yet.

When time plays a game, all is lost.

It hides into the depth of circumstances,

When u need it the most.

 

Blink of an eye, and the familiar is gone,

What you once wished, turns into a regret soon..

In a crowd, you go to seek some peace,

When alone, you simply pay the price.

There’s never enough for anyone out there,

Just one familiar word is a surprise.

 

But as you go along, the path full of rubble,

You realize you get strong, the more you face the trouble…

Unfortunate are those, who’ve never failed in life,

Who think succeeding is cool, cool enough to boast in pride.

 

Toughest steel comes out of sweltering fire,

Calmest are those, whose minds burn with desire.

Coolest are those, who pass the test of the pyre..

And Humble are those, who never see themselves any higher.. 

Knowing

There are some people, that i have met during my journey in life, whom I felt I wanted to know them better. Probably wanted to spend a precious hour with them, just knowing them! just talking to them.. about anything and everything, sense and nonsense, and hearing them out on the same :D

 

Many a times, there is someone who comes into your life, and leaves a lasting impression there! the person might be your friend, relative, stranger, boss, or just about anyone!! Today dearth of time has made knowing each other almost impossible. We're always running. Always cribbing. We miss out on knowing people. We miss out on so many precious moments! half of it is because we dont have time, other half is because our perceptions are blurred by gossips, rumours and prejudices. Believe me, when i say you know a person, it need not be for the purpose of a lasting relationship.. it may be just for a day.. a moment.. but what you get to know brings a smile on your face whenever you next meet that person :) They say, too much intimacy, invasion in the private chambers of other person's mind is also not too good. very true. As i always believe( or have started believing recently), at a certain point one has to stop the quest of knowing more about another person. One has to keep a certain distance. mental distance doesnt lead to a distance from hearts :). its just needed at times. Close enough to know. Far enough to let go.

 

sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet those people again! There are so many questions i'd like to ask! without any restrains, fears!! I think we all should be given a special day in our lives when we get to meet the people we missed knowing :) just a day! when the wind of change stops for a while. and a gale of memories rushes thru the lanes of our minds.. just a day!!! 

Backstage

How often have we admired a Shahrukh Khan on big screen or a Tulsi, Parvati, Jassi (well dont kill me for those bad examples :P) on small screen! Wow! I mean for those who watch television, these guys are their daughters, daughter-in-laws, sasus and god knows what more! they are everything. They get the fame, the respect, the money.. they get written about in every single Page 3 or at times even page 1 of the newspapers! Every movement of theirs, whether it is about drinking coffee with Karan or Singing with Hariharan (sorry for the PJ but im bored) is glorified by the media. Credits at the start of every programme flashes their names as if they're martrys for the nation. But wait.. Are they?

 

If you think i was gonna talk the same shit about Kekta Kapoor and her Kerials, then no. I guess you know enough already. I am here to talk about those behind the camera. those behind the scenes! The dadas of the sets, the Cameramen, the technicians, gaffers, grips..  Being in Star, I had an amazing opportunity to be a part of production team during shoots. And let me tell you, its hell out there. Every time a damn scene is shot, heavy lights and wiring has to be shifted, Sets have to be rearranged, stuff has to be bought, make-up has to be done, tapes have to be in place.. and its not easy! coz many a time the scenes which are of only 1 minute in duration require more than 2 hrs worth of set-up. And those two hours your favourite stars spend napping in  their make up vans or eating food or at the most rehearsing. while these dadas go running about every single moment, bfore the shot and even during and after! They are literally on their toes for more than 12 hrs at a stretch! unimaginable isnt it? and yet the best part is that they keep smiling! they dont mind serving you with cold drinks or snacks whenever you feel hungry! its embarrasing! especially for me as an intern, I would get a bit nervous seeing the amnt of respect! ofcourse they do expect respect in return too. you cant call them by names or 'aye', you have to call them dada. which is something i really like. No one here looks down upon the other. Except for ofcourse actors.. they think they are the soul of the movie! I am not saying they are wrong or whatever given to them is wrong. I am just trying to highlight the contribution of these unseen, unheard of people in the maknig of phenomenal movies!

And yet they hardly get noticed in the credits.. they are hardly written about! i feel someone should take up this aspect of entertainment and highlight such achievements that go beyond those fast forward technical awards held by filmfare! In that sense i think in Main hoon na, farah khan has done an amazing thing by literally showing teh these backstage faces on screen! bingo! i hope the rest follow the suit soon!

The last ray

Why isnt 'giving up' so easy? oh.. you might think ive made a typo error. infact its the easiest thing on this planet. giving up jobs for comfort, giving up family for friends, giving up studies for a cool life, giving up values for fashion, and yeah, the ultimate acme, giving up your life to ensure another 100 die with u (suicide bombers). And yet there might be times when giving up will not seem so casual and heartless. this happens when time comes to give up the only thing for which you've given up your world. this happens when your're asked to give up, the thing you have lived for, want to live with, for all your life.  the thing may be anything. love, hate, forgiveness, anger, goals, achievements, dreams.. 

 

i believe each one of us in this world has a dream. A dream world, a dream goal. Dreams are mostly made up of impossibles. but then wat is impossible today is sure to be possible tomorrow. the point is, will you be the one who will make it possible? or will you give up, move aside, and make way for others and then brood over your luck? look at nothing as impossible, and time will seem infinite for you. i am not saying you will overpower time. TIME will become numb, the same way your body becomes numb after being injected with anesthesia. you will live, and move with time. but not let time bother you about it running faster. you can just see your goal and nothing else will matter now. you are just reaching there, happy and content, but ofcourse, no journey is complete without obstacles just as no movie is complete wihtout a villian. and here lies your ability to stay calm, fight time with patience. it may take a month, two months, two years for this fight to abate.. for time to realize that your willpower is far more than its clock ticking.. your heartbeats are faster than the seconds. you will have to fight with patience. it is a tough fight. coz patience often comes across externally as cowardlyness, laziness, indifference. but you alone know your mind is fighting, its restless and given  a chance, it can scream thru the thin air, wither in pain and cry for pity just like everyone else around you does. but it chooses not to create a scene. it wants to test the brutality of god. how much worse can it get from here? you ask yourself. you brace yourself for rejection, taunts, this world full of nosy people who have no better work than comment on your life. you are ready for it. let it get as bad as it can. someday god will release the ropes of frustration and let me move ahead in peace. and that day i will be a far better person, well equipped mentally, to move ahead this path full of uncertainities that ppl fear, but i will cherish them. coz every trouble gives me hope.. every sign of pain gives me the sweet smell of arrival of relief. i can live thru it.. 

blessings

'What will you do when I wont be there around?', he used to ask me, his wrinkled face enlightened with everlasting smile and his eyes overflowing with fondness. I just smiled at him, and ignored the comment all the time. I still remember those days when i used to get horrible mirgrane attacks, and he would quitely come into my room, shut the curtains, shut the door and leave a glass of fresh juice on the table for me to drink. Those days when our bai wouldnt turn up, in the afternoons i would find him washing vessles as quietly as he could, so that in the evening when mom returns from office tired and weary, she doesnt have to burden herself with all the work. And yes, how can i forget all those times when he went to buy vegetables, went to bank to do dad's work, gave him a glass of water whenever he felt tired.

 

Well, anyone who'd read this would think something else.. i dread what. but the person i am talking about, was my 89 year old grandfather..  a few days back he passed away. He has four sons. yet he stayed with us for around 25 years post dad's marriage. At times i used to think, why only us! i missed private space at home. And that apart, he was the oldest in the family and that invited hoardes of guests at home every single day. At times i used to envy the 'family of 4' life. today, i think that's one thing i regret and feel most ashamed thinking of. Today his loss hurts me like hot iron. Every corner of this house reminds me of him every single moment. And more importantly the fact that ive lost the shelter of an elderly hand above my head. it's scary. He was the most independent senior citizen at the age of 90. WE never gave him a glass of water. but ample of times, he served us food. We never listened to him, but he always heard us without us telling him a word. We ignored him at our convinience, but he remembered us even in all his inconvinient times (including his last 2 days at the hospital)...  it's paining to relive memories of that selfless face, that existed in our home for last 25 years, that face that lived for us, with us, thru us... that face we realized, was god-sent. was god.

 

grandpa never wanted to go in for a minor operation he was advised for. 'at the age of 90? what operation?' he chipped in as his sons debated where to admit him. he was hale n hearty. just a pacemaker in his heart was a bit disfunctioning. baki no diabetes, no bp, no walking stick, infact, dont be shocked if i tell u he climbed 5 floors of our house just recently when the elevator wasnt working. reluctantly he agreed to go in for the operation. we assured him its just a 5 min thing. what did we know he'd never come back. i think he knew it tho. before leaving the house he specifically asked me not to yell at my lil sis and ask dad also to not yell at her.. i laughed it off that time. me and dad said we'd restrain till dada gets back. but dada's so partial to my sis. he never came back. i remember going to meet him at the hospital, his sunken face beneath the oxygen mask scared me to bits. shit! he was at home just a day back laughing and walking!  SHIT! i couldnt look into those loving eyes anymore.. he kept telling me 'thank you for coming here. i am fine. dont worry.' shit! i managed a smile and left immediately. i was shaken. he kept asking for me, but i never went thereafter. the next day he passed away.. so sudden.. i still cant believe he's no more.. any moment he'll come into my room and give me eclairs.. any moment he'll come from outside holding bag full of sabzis.. any moment now..

and we thought we were doing a great thing by letting him live with us.. now we realize, it wasnt us, it was HE, who took care of all of us.. miss you a lot granpa.. you are my god.

To..

There’s a lot, unsaid within me,

Every time I try to tell you,

You escape it so easily.

 

When I don’t expect, you make me do,

And make me feel so special,

I feel like a dream, so wonderful,

So happy and so real!

 

One moment, you understand me,

The next moment, you shut,

The doors that make me wanna come to you,

From the other side are locked.

 

You will never know how special you are,

I amnt a fool to tell,

This gap between us will remain filled,

With all those things unsaid…

Magic of friendship

Was just wondering how sixth sense works. And probably here in terms of friendships. It so often happens that you’re lost, sad, super depressed and someone out of the blue has asked you, ‘are you okay?’ and you wonder for a moment! How?? I tried my best to hide it so I guess my face dint show, I tried my best not to sulk so I guess my behaviour dint show. But then HOW? How did my friend come to know?

 

I’ve been caught up in that question for a number of times. Ok, face to face may be one can make out by the vibes you give out whether you are fine or not. But when it happens online, it’s all the more astonishing! My close friend has this knack. At times, even before I say a hello, he’s asked me, ‘what’s wrong with you? You’re not fine’ and I stare at the screen for a few surprised moments before I can actually reply. How the hell did he know? I guess some people know you just too well or have some super power sixth sense? What is it? While some do have sixth sense, some are awesome observers! I had a really bad phase in personal life during college. And a friend with whom I dint even converse like 2 words a day noticed it. And it’s he who came to my rescue and to whom I could pour my heart out completely unabashed. It was this brief phase of friendship which was so short-lived but yet cent percent pure and genuine.. Some people like these are just fairy-godmothers sent to you from the heaven above!  But my point remains.. what is it about friendship? About humans? About feelings that is so transparent even as we try to make it opaque. It scares me at times. Makes me feel I am lagging behind in that department coz I cant make out or pin point depressions of people for nuts! Even if I do, I am really weary of approaching them and talking to them about personal stuff coz I feel in such times you choose your aid very carefully espl when it comes to revealing the reason behind your moods. And I don’t think I’d fit in or deserve that role anyway and to top it all, people tend to get suspicious of you interfering and irritating.

 

But sigh. When friends do that to me, I feel special. I feel good. I feel there’s a ray of hope where in this noisy crabby world, a lot can still be felt and said without much effort J touchwood. 

I radiate

I strive to radiate warmth around me, but somehow my experiences turn me into a cold person. That cold, which freezes my flow of emotions, hardens the blood in my heart, numbs the senses and feelings that stimulated my smile. Its not as if I enjoy the coldness. Its not as if I enjoy the silence. Its not as if I enjoy the chill you experience when you talk to me, when you stand next to me. Its not as if hurting you gives me sarcastic pleasure.

 

I still strive to radiate the warmth around me. I try harder to break thru the thick sheet of ice with the help of the candle of hope that keeps me alive from within. It will take time, but the hate on ice will surely melt.. one day.. the candle of hope will fight with the biting cold experiences of life. The cold winds, hardened feelings, numb brains and frosty voices will all give way to the warm, green, colourful happy autumn of life. Blood will pump energy and love into my heart, emotions will flow once again, unpolluted, uninterrupted, the next time you shiver, you will hold my hands for warmth.. my smile will be your bonfire...  one day.. I will make it happen.

 

Guilt pangs

Probably one of the worst guilt pangs that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A promise I made, and broke it on account of laziness and numerous other excuses. I still remember that day, I had accompanied mom to a lonely old age home in Panvel. Reason? My photography project. Somehow, I always felt strongly for the elderly and I wanted to capture their pain on my camera. And so we went. We were greeted humbly with a smile by the inmates and the head. Everywhere we went, the camera, a digital one got the most attention, and posing for pics wasnt a problem at all. The old age home meant for the elderly supportd orphans too. The youngest and the eldest gelled together and seamelessly shared their joys and sorrows.. I wondered where does immaturity go at such times? I was taken along with mom in every room, to meet the inmates. IN each room about 5-6 inmates.. and the pain I experienced when i saw them.. it was the vibe, the pain that was reflected from them. Their faces dint leave a trace of the pain.. but their eyes said it all.. Their eyes wer for us.. and only us .Come talk to us.. their eyes pleaded. While my mom did the courtesy of conversatiosn, I took my photographs.. 'I'll send them across to you all' i promised resolving to do it as soon as i get done with my project. Their faces lightened up when they heard I'd  be sending them the pics.. i was glad momentararily they were smiling. Each had a story of their own to tell, as to why they were in the old age home. but they chose to gulp it down in silence, the same way they chose to gulp down all the pain that was inflicted upon them by their own family members..

 

The project went well, and the pictures are close to my heart.. but I forgot to send them the prints.. I realized it after a long long time.. and since then the guilt has been unbeatable. Everytime it flashes on to my mind, I shiver. NOw i dont even know how many of them will be alive to see these pics.. How many will be pained? relieved? What? it was utterly shameful on my part to be so careless.. it's one thing i cldve done for them.. sheesh.. sheesh..

 

I got back home that day after the project (rewind)... I saw my granpa and dad fighting.. and i smiled to myself..they're bickering all the time, they cant do without a fight.. and luckily.. they cant do without each other.. those of us who have joint families are lucky. Its a disturbing reality out there. Really disturbing. 

At the back of the crowd

So back to observations. Have you ever felt at times, that your genuine attempts for some things go completely unnoticed? At first you are at the centre stage of things. Your performance gets applauded, you are the one everyone wants, untill your competitor arrives. The focus shifts. you're pushed aside, brushed aside and the crowd rushes to cheer for the new arrival. you're biwildered. What to do? What went wrong? Am I not respected anymore? Who the hell is this new entrant? How can ppl shift loyalties with me? Why am I being ignored? How can this happen to me? Wasnt i popular?

 

And suddenly, as you look ahead, you find you're standing right at the back of a cheering crowd, facing the new performer. You give your jealous mind some rest and decide to see this performance objectively. YOu realize, there's some magic. Some magic that you've never had. You begin to see why the crowd changed loyalties, you begin to see why the new talent is so popular. You begin to appreciate leaving aside  your insecurities and threats. And that's when you smile, and realize, its time to do some rethinking, some revamping. You're not supposed to be a coward, a spoilt sport and turn your back towards the reality. At times it so happens that you have to stand at the back of the crowd and applaud.. as long as you appreciate, as long as you learn, nothing can stop you from getting back there again. :) cheers! 

All's left. What's right?

Tea tastes bitter after eating a sweet biscuit. Night seems darker after a bright sunny day.. the pain seems doubled when you have just experienced happiness.. I believe in god but feel like renouncing the faith in fairy godmothers or guides or best friends and so on.. Precisely for the reasons above. They're just there for you for that crucial part of your life, they then become a crucial part of your life and  then they throw a stone at the mirror in front of you. It cracks and breaks up. You realize, it was just your imagination. They have favoured you and moved on. YOu are supposed to take the favour and move on too! WHAT THE HELL!

 

I dont think ever in my life have i got a fair chance of doing something for the people who have meant the most to me. They have always been my support, my iron pillars, my reason to smile, and then, all of them literally have moved away to greater avenues, forgetting that they have an indebt soul struggling with the burden of their support.

 

Now you'd argue, cmon! they're your friends, and anyone wouldve done that. Then I say, hell, if they were really my friends, why do they do good to my life and go away??? I've misunderstood the concept of friendship so far and therefore my faith in it is a bit false.. i feel. I thought friendship is one permanant bond that has survived the test of change. Solid friendship has been as much about longer time and tide than just mere strength of understanding each other. I thought friendship is where people are missed in good times and remembered in bad times.. but SHIT! i was wrong o wat!

 

My belief in friendships has shaken from its roots. And every passing day it keeps getting worse. People around me are finding time to attend parties, go on picnics, catch up with buddies.. everything but just somehow dont find time to remember a few other insignificant insects. Even today whenever someone tells me 'Drashti, kya tu busy ho gayi hai, you've forgotten me.. blah blah'' i take it as a sign of respect from that person to me and make it a point to revert in the most appropriate manner possible. But i dont think that works with everyone.. many of them still think them being busy with work, home, blah blah is the most valid excuse on earth. And some, better still, let go of the freakin friendship to relieve themselves of the responsibility.

 

'It's reality! Accept it' many tell me. I feel hurt.. if this is reality, go to hell! Being laughed at for trying to keep in touch, being laughed at for meeting up someone whoze been your classmate for 3 yrs (but HE/SHE was never a close friend of yours na? so y are you meeting up?).. yeahhhh!! go on.. laugh.. And then do i have a choice.. i let go. I will be indebt for life. 

The grim day

Today was a grim day. In addition to the recent tragedy faced by Mumbai, today was the first death anniversary of granpa. Well, really, not BBC news material, but on a personal front, it meant quite a lot. Till date we always gathered at Grandma's death anniversary to sing some prayers and bhajans in her rememberance and also so that grandpa would feel good that we havent forgotten her as he thought we would have. Every time during these sessions, granpa would make 'farmayish' of his favourite bhajans and songs and we would oblidge. He felt thrilled and had created a special set of xeroxed songs to be distributed amongst all of us. It was so ironical and sad that it was from those very sets that today we were singing those bhajans for the death anniversary of my granpa himself. He was terribly missed. Missed like hell.

 

I thought may be, no amount of words would do justice to a noble soul like his. And so i decided to make a small 2 minute movie for his dedication. the background score was as cheesy as it could get. It was the song 'yaadein' from the movie 'yaadien'. I quickly selected a few snaps and a couple of video clips of granpa for the 2 minute essemble. In a giffy, at night 2 i created this small and simple video. Little did i know so big would be its impact. In the evening, once all the bhajans and songs were over, I gathered all the family members in one side of the room and played the video on my television. The reaction. The entire lot of 20 people were in tears. Some of them, uncontrollable, the rest, mildly crying. I was aghast. They're voices choked as they congratulated me for this extraordinary piece of work (or so they say). They wanted to see it once more. I played it once more. And the tears flowed once more. I was really surprised to see this kind of reaction, but well, it was my aim, and hence i was happy. I was happy that they all cried in the memory of granpa. Nothing can be fitting than this, although im sure if he'd be watching from the heavens he'd say 'arreey! shit! they're actually crying for me! oh no! drashti! what did you do? why are they crying for me? im with them, always.' and then perhaps i felt him smile and whisper' thanks drashtiben'. 

Under the blanket.

January 25 under the blanket The father handed out a torn blanket to the old man and said, 'Sleep outside in the balcony, there's no place at home.' He said this and turned around. His 10 year old son was standing holding another torn blanket in his hands. 'Why this blanket?' the father fumed. 'It's for you' replied the son. 'Me?' 'yes, because when you will grow as old as grandpa, I will give you this blanket when I also throw you out of this house.' he concluded innocently. The father was aghast. The grandpa dint know whether to be shocked or relieved. And tears swarmed my eyes. Within a few seconds, it turned into a stream flowing out of my reddened eyes. My parents, grandparents, all turned to look at me. They stared at me and got confused. What had happened? Just a few seconds ago all of us are watching this serial on television and now this girl is howling! 'Did she hit you beta?' asked mom pointing a finger at my innocent looking little sister who was barely 3-4 yrs old then. My sister saw all the fingers being pointed at her and turned her innocently surprised gaze towards me, questioningly. I was in a half a mind to attribute my crying to a non-existent 'hit' by my sister. But instead I chose to keep quiet and continued crying. My eyes repeatedly darted to the television. My granma noticed this and added up the situation. 'She's realized what that story we just saw, meant. She's crying for that old man' she said and smiled. My mom looked at me and smiled. But they dint pester me much about it and I stopped crying. But that was my first encounter with old age abuse. And it was so freaking touching that it reduced me to tears at that tender age of 7. I found this story as an answer to why does this topic pester my mind all the time.     I was just reading a few writeups on the mental state of the people in old-age homes. Parents living in bunglows, parents living for their children entire lives, been thrown out of their homes.. Parents been thrown out just coz they cant cope up with their old age? an elderly was thrown out just because she asked for a box of sweets!!! And Imagine their trauma.. of not having met their children for years together.. left alone to deal with their withering body, and barren funds! When I see all of this around me, I feel I am so blessed to have such great values instilled into me.. for us our elderly are the ultimate authority. We seek their blessings before every work we do and we seek their advice for every move we make.. I just wish people start realizing the value of parents, of the elderly. They are like this huge baniyan tree that gives shade, that roots us firmly to the ground.. the moment it witheres, the moment it dies, the heat, the harsh winds and rains are bound to erode your lives

a story of silence

A story of silence

I sat there, alone in the crowded classroom. There was so much noise around, but it all seemed like a distant buzz to my ears. There was so much movement around me, so many people preparing for presentations. Some rehearsing their speeches, others setting up the projector, the rest chattering amongst themselves. But they all appeared like blurred dots to me. I had taken off my specks and laid my head down on the bench. No one bothered me. ‘The presentation is about to begin.’ A clear voice rang through my ears. I upped my head by barely an inch above the desk to look who spoke. It was the teacher announcing the commencement of the next presentation. I stared at the blurred outline of an old cupboard lying in our classroom. There was movement around. But it dint bother me. I kept staring like an idiot. It took me a while before I could register some vivid movement out there. Near the cupboard I mean. Someone was franctically waving out to me. My pupils contracted as I carefully looked in that direction. It was this classmate of mine whom I must’ve not even exchanged 10 words ever since I stepped into college. I looked up a bit and unsurely pointed out a finger to myself to indicate ‘who me?’. He nodded with a charming smile on his face. He continued to wave until I waved back with a faint trace of smile on my face. Why he did that, I had no clue. But I could guess he spotted silence in the commotion. A while later he came to me and said, ‘hey, will you be there to see my play tomorrow?’ ‘Me?’ I asked again, stupidly. ‘Yes, you.’ He replied calmly. ‘Umm.. ok. Sure.’ I replied, still, stupidly. ‘Tomorrow. Be there to see it. Ok?’ he said and left me aghast. I went back home, admittedly, smiling. Even though I dint know what had happened, I surely recognized the effort to make me feel wanted and to make me feel good. To my pleasant surprise, it wasn’t the end of it all..  

 

I went home and as a habit and a ritual, I signed into MSN messenger. All the nocturnal creatures like me were online. Yes, he was online too. He never spoke to me online either. Never ever since my last two years in college. I just looked at his name out there and smiled. ‘Hi, how are you?’ came a pop-up of a chat window.. And to my pleasant surprise, it was him! ‘Hi! I’m good.’ I replied. ‘But you don’t look so good in college. I have been observing you. You have been very quiet and down lately. What has happened?’ he asked, much to my surprise.. ‘Uhh.. well, a lot is down lately.’ I admitted. ‘If you want, you can tell me. I promise you I wont tell this to anyone. I can be an outlet to your problems. Talk it out.’ He offered instantly. Ok, here was this guy who dint even speak a few sentences with me ever, and yet, and simply yet he had sensed so much that was going around. There are times when you let your heart take over the rationale. By logic I shouldn’t have given a damn to his offer and should have politely refused. But my heart told me he was god sent. He was the outlet I was looking for. An unknown person who’d listen to me, understand me and yet, stay away from me. Without a second of hesitation, I poured out my heart to him. He heard me out patiently. And even gave me some great advice which I remember till date. That night I shed tremendous burden from my mind. It brought back a smile on my face. We never bothered to talk much after that incident.. occasionally when things went low, he did ask. But never much otherwise. But one glance at him and I knew there was someone who cared. Who wanted to be there when I was alone. You mustve come across such people.. They’re special. Extremely special..